Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When pronouncing my name, the "Hey A sshole" is silent.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don't have to save for retirement...

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   I went to jail as a teenager and I cried the whole time. Haven’t played Monopoly since.

   I would never wanna see my girlfriend cry, That why I got a password on my phone.

   It's like the uglier a person is, the more pics they wanna post all over their FB wall.

   I would hold your baby, but I'm grossed out because I know where it came from.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   It’s like people don’t realise that once you’ve had children together, you can never get completely divorced.

   How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.

   Watching Hillbily Venom. A documentary on serpent handling in church in WV. Very nteresting for sure, but not on my bucket list.

   Q: what does a nosy pepper do? A: it gets jalapeño your business. (o.O)

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!

   You know your life is disappointing when you wake up and your first thought is, "Crap, still here."

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with underwires that lift and separate.

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   So if I buy a blow up doll for company coz I feel lonely at home.. Will that make me creepy and gay? Coz gay is fine, I just don't wanna come off as creepy :-/

   I'm not saying my ex wife was crazy but she was jealous of my dog...

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).