Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chosing the new pope process; exposing to the world just how dumb Roman Catholic are.

   Hold boobs not grudges.

   I never met a donut with a lifespan of more than five seconds.

   Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes.

   Our baby woke up in the other room while my wife and I were having sex. Great, now I get to hear two people cry.

   Jesus is lord. Strangely enough he's also my coke dealer and gardener.

   83% of the dialogue in my relationship consists of "Where's the cat?".

   My favorite part about Facebook is how fat all the girls from high school are getting

   Every time I go grocery shopping, I ask myself what would Jesus buy. This explains my cart full of wine bottles.

   I dont see the point of sex if the neighbours don't hear it.

   This douchebag trying to tell me that the Smurfs are Caucasian.

   If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.

   The best part about working directly with the public is that you become fluent in moron.

   Thought I was seeing a beautiful sunset, but it was just a gang of pelicans dismembering a Jehovah's Witness.

   I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

   Times are tought, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the price is right. . .

   Why do hot girls perish by ugly girls?