Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my neck, my back, my pizza and my snacks.

   When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.

   Children need a lot of love & understanding but men need even more.

   my favorite recipe calls for 2 cups of bacon, a tablespoon of bacon, and a dash of bacon.

   Watching the women's MAC championship. I'm just going to assume that the bulge in the front of their shorts is just a balled up tube sock.

   The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.

   I need a six month vacation Twice a year.

   more wars have been fought and more peopke killed in the name Of religion (including) the Catholic one than all other reasons combined.

   marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect

   I think I am going to print the constitution on a bunch of rolls of toilet paper and send it to the president and his cronies, that way they can truly wipe thier a$$ with it.

   Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

   Friday - again, voted the favorite work day of the week for 156 years straight! You stay classy, Friday!!

   maybe you're suffering from O.D.D. Obnoxious Drunk Disorder....Ok, now lets do body shots!

   Hello from the depths of loathing and self-pity festering in the sleep-deprived world of yellow cabs and chain-smoking drunken remorse.

   Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.

   The only exercise some people ever get is: running their mouths, jumping to conclusions & pushing their luck.

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   I came very close to death today, that's the last time I'm masterbating in a cemetery!

   Just because it's called make-up... doesn't mean it's supposed to makeup 99% of your face.

   Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I'm possessed by the devil is not funny.