Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey you guys! Rock bottom has a buffet and an open bar!

   I'm gonna surprise the gf, and wake her with oral sex...hope she doesn't choke.

   Interrupt me to say I pronounced your name wrong, and I will make a point to say it wrong every time thereafter.

   A recent study has shown that its much more difficult to lie to someone you truly love than lying to someone you don't love.

   My wife loves role playing in bed. Her favorite is playing dead.

   I think, therefore i'm single.

   I am confident but not 'propose to my girlfriend of 2 months live on TV' confident.

   Did you hear the bad news about about Lil Wayne? He's ok.

   Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.

   Enjoying a Harlem shamrock shake

   My neighbor complained I was playing Bruce Hornsby too loud. I told him, That's just the way it is.

   and the winner of the best Harlem Shake.......Lil Wayne!

   Hey Liver, it's Friday... Time to clock-in!

   Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   Dear Kids, go to College…it’s the only time it’s acceptable to be drunk and poor.

   If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he’s trying to bust a move.