Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day

   When you are talking to yourself, if you are polite about it, people won't think you're crazy.

   Chic-fill-a really does descriminate against gays. Their ketchup packets were super hard for me to open.

   St Patrick's day: A day the Irish celebrate their rich heritage by acting like a bunch of Puerto Ricans.

   Part of my workout routine is that I always get hammered before I go jogging...... That way I never go jogging.

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   If at first you don't succeed, then you ain't me mot her fu cker.

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   I'm going to drink so much that I find that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

   If nobody is talking about you, you must not be a very interesting person.

   Everyone is really happy that you’re working out, but announcing it every time you do it makes people hope you die on the treadmill.

   I have mixed drinks about feelings..

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   Bought some Coronas today for St Patrick's day.....Ire mon!!!! Oh wait thats Jamaican......Viva..Las Vegas???..... nevermind,,,, where's the freakin limes??

   Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone's food pics and posting the calories.

   North Korea is pretty stupid for threating the United States especially when their air force uses 70's era aircraft. United States will kick your ass. It's what we do for fun.

   Actually, my ancestors are from the County just down the road from County Cork. Perhaps you've heard of County Screw Top?

   You know you're addicted to Facebook, when you gauge how long you've napped by finding the last post you remember before falling asleep, and seeing how long it's been posted when you wake up.