Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's gratification and then there's "I love not responding to you on facebook chat" gratification.

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   I hold the NASCAR world record for the number of races never watched. Zero.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   "whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack..."Yeh, you're right because I'm geting a restraining order for them... :)

   prepared to kiss you whether you are Irish or not.

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   St. Patrick Pro Tip: Clean your toilet now!! You may be face down in it later........

   Let's take our relationship to the next level: the breakup.

   Women's favorite dessert is the one with a hidden engagement ring inside it.

   The problem is the ugly ones are too confident and the good looking ones are taken.

   Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one. #Happy St. Pattys Day

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   I am terribly sorry about the inspirational p osts. My dealer gave me inspirational weed.

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Iran has threatened to sue the filmmakers who made the Academy award winning movie “ARGO,” over their portrayal of Iran in the movie. What's Next? The Irish sue because "SHREK" made them look like Ogres?..... "DONKEY !!!"

   whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack...