Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life just handed me Lemon Pledge, I guess it wants me to dust.

   I think the phrase "there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide" originated from someone who farted in the shower.

   It's all sh*ts n' giggles, until somebody giggles and sh*ts! :-O

   If everyone has a crack in their a$$, why are so many still full of $hit?

   You can have anything you want, if you lower your expectations enough.

   What a gorgeous day to walk around outside staring at my phone.

   you don't have to say everything you think

   Sometimes a long distance relationship just means opposite ends of the couch.

   I have an eating disorder. I'm eating DIS order of wings, DIS order of pizza, and DIS order of ice cream.

   Nothing screams 'America' like taking the elevator in a two-story building

   Well 30min work-out along with some new Tae Kwon Do moves -CHECK! And just to think that was just trying to get the snow off my tires...

   Just made a Broman! It's exactly like a snowman except it's a black guy.

   Whenever I feel like cleaning, I lie down and the feeling goes away.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

   Today, may you do all the things you said you'd do - and feel damn good about it.

   Really cleav...klev......Intelagen.......Smart!

   Definition of irony. Midget porn on the top shelf.

   Randomly digging holes. Want to know why. Come around and I'll fill you in.

   My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

   Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical