Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   Every medicine made in China is like PROS: you’ll stop coughing. CONS: you might die!

   If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!

   Of course best friend, you are allowed to have other friends as long as you love me more.

   Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.

   Are you a low budget movie, because you are boring?

   I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!

   Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.

   Dear Axe Bodyspray, Please create a new bottle that allows only one spary every 24 hours. Thank you for your consideration. Signed, Mother of a ten year old boy

   Why do porn sites have a "Share to Facebook" button? Who watches porn and thinks, "You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends."

   I hate when I get drunk and start bidding on e-bay

   Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters

   Got kicked out of another restaurant this afternoon for breast feeding. Hey - when my husband wants titty, he wants titty.....

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   My pet peeve is when people say redundant words after acronyms, like “PIN number” or “ATM mouth.”

   If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"

   I've had six husbands. Seven if I count my own.

   How the Syfy channel comes up with movie ideas: 1. Think of an animal or insect. 2. Make it 50 ft tall. 3. Eat a burrito.