Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm emotionally constipated cuz I haven't been given a SHhhhit in days!

   I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour De France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

   So I just Googled the Ten Commandments.... Wow, I am so screwed......

   Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...

   When I was 7 I saw a sign that said "ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES" and I thought...That's s huge amount of pressure to put on one kid

   If you want something to be misunderstood, post it on Internet.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous

   Dennis Rodman now has more international relations experience than most of Congress. Let that sink in for a minute.

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you....I got you a Carnival Cruise ticket

   I've always been told to dress for the job you want. I love my cape

   A hard-0n doesn't count as personal growth.

   I'd never tell anyone to go to hell, but I might suggest a Carnival Cruise....

   I'm too sober for this sh*t

   All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

   Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes.

   When are Victoria Secret catalogs going to be scratch n sniff?

   Just read a story in a magazine that a woman is claiming she was raped by an alien.. Big Deal!.. So was Lady Gaga's mother

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!

   Seeing Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon do history of Rap, is like seeing Kat Williams and Jay-Z do History of Country!