Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?

   For those of you that were wondering about my brackets: [ ] { } [ ] { } and [ ] { }

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   Last night I slept for 6 hours straight then 1 hour ga y.

   My superpower is being able to remove a bra with one hand...in the dark...drunk.

   Don't worry, we'll keep orbiting the sun without you.

   My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

   Him: Lil Wayne's in the hospital. Me: WHAT!!!! Him: Do you know who Lil Wayne is? Me: YEAH!!! Him: You're thinking of Lil John. Me: OKAY!!!

   Hi God it me again. I'd like to return these feelings, they're faulty and make my eyes leak. Thank you.

   "It was good but he spanked me a little too much..." - no woman ever

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   My tombstone will read: He died doing what he loved. Your wife.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn. That man gets so much ass, if this were 1800's his slave name would be Poonta Kinte

   Bad things happen to good people, so I'm pretty sure we're all safe

   Alanis Morissette sang about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. Question: why do you have 10,000 spoons?

   If you think you are having a bad day just know mike Tyson is in a restaurant somewhere trying to order "the sweet and sour soup"

   What kind of streets do zombies like the best?… Dead ends

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.