Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I read the obituaries for motivation.

   At least I care enough to go through the motions

   Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say.

   Why do I have to add my birthday to your calendar? It's on my page.

   Some days I don't know why I even put my cape on.

   Blood really is thicker than water...this bathtub has been draining for over an hour now...

   I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.

   I’m not saying she’s a slut, but she’s been banged more times than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don’t, raise your standards.

   I'm not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: If you stamp on Trump's foot,, his hair pops straight up like a trash can lid.

   Thursday evening is when I am at my most sober. Hate it more than Mondays.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn, they met while she was skiing down a mountain of women he just slept with

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   Revenge is sweet. Sit back, relax and watch their Karma do all the work, than I can say I told you so...

   Today a great American died one who did extensive research in the gag reflex for year, RIP Harry Reems

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.