Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it allowed to go to the dentist drunk? Asking for a friend.

   I watch p orn for the interior design ideas!

   I became a scientist so I can discover new STDs and name them after ex girlfriends.

   I love blank papers. They are so innocent.

   I'm white but I'm not "call a radio station to try to win Bon Jovi tickets" white.

   Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs head.

   Sometimes I feel like my heart really doesn't have my best interests at heart.

   Woke up face down in a ditch, I must have tried to tell a woman what to do again.

   My co-worker "Pig nose Susan" was in an abusive relationship so I contacted PETA

   my wife thinks she marred a sex therapist cause she keeps saying if I want your f ning advise I will ask you for it

   Every single person on the planet has the reflexes of a superhero if you start scrolling through their photos while holding their phone.

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account.

   Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.

   Dont you hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

   A girl just asked me "When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback?" I told her, "COMEBACK with a damn sandwich."

   204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet you can't find a decent relationship. Must be something wrong with you.

   The least realistic part of Deep Impact is the way everyone in the world accepts the conclusions of science.

   This weekend feels like its going to be a "safe-word free" type of weekend.