Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking, can you?

   Since girls pubes are extinct, we'll will never know your real hair color. Well played ladies...

   Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   I'm going to cover my entire body in bacon so I can become more desirable.

   Your body should be a temple, not an amusement park.

   There's a light is in the refrigerator, but not the freezer. I mean, what's up with that?

   Finding a true friend is about as easy as nailing jello to a tree.

   I could really use some TLC.....Tacos Laced with Cocaine.

   A woman with big boobs will never truly know if she's actually interesting.

   fyi: The cure for food poisoning is NOT Taco Bell.

   Blowing out birthday candles,, must be really frustrating for baby dragons.

   FYI: A great white shark, is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

   My favorite part of an oil change is when they show you the air filter,,, and then look at you like you're a disgusting pig.

   just about to cook up some Ramen soup and realized I'm out of crackers. I'm cracka lackin!!!

   Funny how countries trash talk the United States but always beg for our help when they are getting their ass whooped.

   I'm tired of Duck Dynasty and their fowl language!

   My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I'm Just Napping

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   Got the shivers while peeing.....thank goodness for decorative towels.