Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New "Shots" Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   Dollar Store pregnancy tests,,, Cause you gonna be gettin your expired baby food and single ply diapers there after anyway.

   I had my trophy wife stuffed and mounted.

   I'd go to church if they had Wi-Fi.

   We are so fortunate not to live in China,,, they have to hide their posts in cookies.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   GUYS: If you're out at the Youth Fair and you can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately!

   Just bought formula. Babies would be cheaper if they ran on gas!

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first

   his relationship status set to "It's Complicated" simply because he can't decide on which hand to use.

   I love tan lines... it's like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)

   I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright

   I want to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so I would have random animals help me with my housework

   I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drinking enthusiast!