Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anybody else worried about the lack of toilets on the star ship enterprise?

   First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there's Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great!

   I am a simple person with a complicated mind.

   The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is going to be born prematurely. Like father, like son.

   People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.

   Red dawn should make US Citizens realize how the rest of the world feels with their ridiculous unjustifiable attacks!

   You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'

   I've met some real pricks in my time but you my friend are the cactus.

   I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it's two boobs.

   If the Supreme Court sides with marriage equality and tosses out the DOMA there are going to be a lot of butt-hurt people.

   interesting how Tiger Woods gets a girlfriend, starts having sex again and starts winning again...

   When girls have a long list of "must haves" they "aren't settling". When guys do it they are "too picky"...

   If you can't be manipulated, you're not in love.

   Why do blacks only get February but every month is Truck Month??

   March. In like a lion, out like a...hang on...wind chill of 34 degrees here in Orlando right now?....Okay....in like a lion, out like a Honey badger.

   Nissan Titan commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

   Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is.