Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   I think next time I'll go ahead and press "2" for Spanish. Maybe I'll actually get someone who speaks English better than the person on the "English" damn line.

   I just scrolled sooo far back on Facebook's Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace.

   I just had 19 beers at Chuck E. Cheese's... and this band is awesome!

   Yo Bit&h, Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   Never ever give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."

   Birthdays are good for your health. Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live the longest.

   You tell a chick "Hey" and she thinks you're hitting on her. Get over yourself, You look like a lightskin Chris Bosh with a weave on anyway

   I hate arguing through text. I need you to hear the anger and sincerity in my voice when I call you a bi&ch.

   My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively

   if wine is the blood of christ, why make up a song asking fro jesus to take the wheel?....u just asked for a drunk driver

   "baby.......baby......baby...baby..baby.babybabybabybabybabyBAAABBBBYYYYYY!!!!!!!" ~ "My wife...... when someone taps their brakes 2 miles in front of us.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs on.

   American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge

   Just think,, right now,,, somewhere in China,,, someone is wokking their dog

   Lost another FB friend to employment.

   Partying on my level requires years of traning

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of vodka on the rocks- and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.