Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just f@rted so hard, my bluetooth rattled and my phone gave me directions to 3 area hospitals

   I'm glad I don't work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches.

   I've been checking the box at the fire department but there's never any babies in it.. Whoever's beating me to it..YOU CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PER VISIT.

   Not only is it April fools day. Did you know today is offially national egg salad lunch day. . .

   April fool's day idea: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says "Now voice activated!" Sit back & watch the magic unfold.

   April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.

   11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.

   Good News to a Pastor: The Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: The pastor was on vacation.

   I dont have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bulllllshhhiittttts!

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   I promised my boss i'd come in early for work on monday Aint that a great April fool's prank......

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

   Check out a new church for the first time for Easter Sunday. When the pastor said, "would all the first time visitors please stand up", The whole church stood up with me! (Ö_Ö)

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   walk dead fans. ever notice that the grass out side is never high. so do zombies mow the grass when they are not eating brains. I dont mow my grass for 2 weeks and I cant see out my living room window.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.

   Now that Britney Griner's collegiate career is over....do you think he will end up with the Heat and Lebron?

   must of had the laziest Easter Bunny come over to the house. He didn't bother to color or cook any of the eggs...plus he hid them all in my fridge.