Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just drank some food color, now I think I'm dyeing inside.

   Whenever anyone mentions something about a vicious cycle, I imagine an evil bike that can't stop killing.

   4/04 Day Not Found.

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.

   I just had a bad dream. I went to the Facebook log in screen and it asked if I wanted to sign in using my Myspace account.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   Funny how when I see someone from High School I suddenly hve a great job and am trying to stick a key in a car I in the parking lot that I could never afford!

   best part of waking up, is breakfast after a nut.

   How ironic is it, that when Smokey the Bear dies, he wants to be cremated.

   Wow....Thought I was passing a kidney stone, but it was just a jellybean. I'm good.

   Whenever a bird sh*ts on my car, I eat a plate full of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to send out a warning of what I'm capable of!!!

   I burped so hard, I'm hungry again.

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.

   Imagine 15 million people calling each other stupid. That's what it's like to live in Texas.

   You look over-medicated. What's your doctor's name?

   If you can throw a brick, liquor stores are open 24 hours.

   I know,,,, Let's vote the pool water off that new celebrity diving show