Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to the woman in front of me buying a book called, "This Is Why You're Fat" and a Godiva chocolate bar: this is why.

   Did you know it's physically impossible for 3 women to take a photo together and not do the Charlie's Angels pose?

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friend list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention...

   I am bacon level happy.

   The after Easter prices of Cadbury Eggs and Peeps are one of life's simple but not quite free pleasures.

   I just downloaded the bible on my I-Pad. Now I have a good excuse to bring my I-Pad into church!

   scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst gold miner ever!

   Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them

   Just sat up to reach for the TV remote. My abs are going to be crazy sore tomorrow!

   A study shows that breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness…from all the free drinks.

   Girls: All guys are a*seholes!. Me: Nooo they're not, I'm right here!!!! :(

   I just launched a new fragrance! - a great way to announce a fart

   Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   In a relationship you'll find either your soulmate or your cellmate.

   Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?

   Ever been so hammered you open up a box of Frosted Flakes thinking it's a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger?

   Being a d*ck, isn't going to make yours bigger.

   Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

   I'm a pair of skinny jeans short of a mid life crisis