Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here.

   Getting drunk and waking up in strange places is the only kind of vacation I can afford.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   Civilization is the process of setting man free from men.

   The only thing worse than finding out you were given up for adoption would be finding out it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

   please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...

   For some people its, "Started from the bottom I'm still there"

   I can’t control you're being an idiot, but I can control whether or not you’re on my friends list.

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   You wanna know where I'm ticklish? Hawaii.

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

   I'm happily married. - People who are new to Facebook.

   I just watched a tampon commercial for 8 minutes before I realized it was an episode of Sex and the City.

   Please leave your ego at the door so other people can wipe their feet on it before entering.

   Screvving with a rubber is like eating steak with a balloon on your tongue.

   The hardest thing you can hit people with is the truth.

   Love is never having to use a c ondom.