Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haikus confuse me-Often they do not seem to make sense-Pass me the pliers

   Life is like a high tide....But no matter how low or high the tide is, we gotta keep on surfing. The tide is high and I'm moving on!!

   Sir-Mix-A-Lot wasn’t even that clever. All babies have backs.

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   RIP, Roger Ebert. Michael Bay can't hurt you anymore.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   You can stay, but your clothes must go.

   Started out with nothing and still have most of it.

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   Bacon is the fried chicken of white p eople!

   Hey ladies who say you like it when a man chokes you during sex. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he is just checking for an Adam’s apple?

   Jokes aside, North Korea needs to be stopped.

   To really scare Kim Jon Umm the U.S. should station a Carnival cruise ship off the sea of North Korea

   JAB. I'd of been a success by now if my mind would of come up with a trillion dollar idea already. . .

   if Bill Gates was to die & go to hell, would that make him the "Gates of Hell"?

   Roger Ebert just gave his doctors two thumbs down...

   Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   Hey, you don't have to file your tax returns if you think the President's an a$$hole, right? Asking for a friend.