Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

   'Rolling In The Deep' is my favorite song about ecstasy.

   Some of my best relationships have been the ones I didn’t understand.

   I’m so glad I found you in all this wreckage of a planet.

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   If your wife is "rewarding" you with sex when you're good, you really need to work harder at getting her to view sex as her own reward.

   When I was 12 my mom caught me dry humpin' my stuffed animal Tweety Bird.. we haven't made eye contact since.

   Don't hate me because I think I'm beautiful.

   When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.

   Seeing a lot of posts on Facebook and Twitter about dogs being stolen. Are the Koreans stockpiling food before they go to war?

   I think i'm in pizza with you.

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   Its not you, it's how you don't make me sandwiches.

   Anyone else thinking they should drop Mike Rice into North Korea, just to get the ball rolling already?

   Interesting what people will do for money. Noteworthy what I'll do for free beer.

   I hate it when someone says 'Get on my level', cause how do I know what level you're on? Do I go up or down? Because I'm on level 78.

   If North Korea was to attack USA with a nuclear missile, which state do you think they should hit. Asking for North Korea.

   Went trolling on a dating website. Caught 7 trolls...

   The worst STD you can get is a kid. That 1 doesn't go away for at least 18 years.

   They dont want you to know marijuana....but I do :)