Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   I'm being really funny in real life so I don't have the time to write it all down for you guys

   All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.

   If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.

   Not everyone you like will like you back and vice versa. Such is life. Sounding bitter and whiny about it probably won't help your cause.

   You realise Sylvester Stallone is already working up a script for getting a group of prisoners out of post war North Korea

   I'm not really anti abortion, I'm more pro stupid people not having babies...

   If anyone sees my TV remote control can you tell it I simply want to know if it's safe and happy.

   Old movies make train travel look so romantic, but who in this day and age has time to solve a murder mystery?

   You don't just spontaneously end up this drunk at this hour. It takes several years of practice.

   Target: 50 shades of Manatee Gray

   If North Korea attacks, there won't be a war. The counterattack will go down in history as a case of assisted suicide.

   Sitting here watching "Undercover Boss" thinking.. Guy shows up at your job with a camera crew, screws everything up, gets you to reveal secrets about your personal life.. If you can't figure out what's going on, there's no hope left for you..

   Never mind those 2 N.K. subs that are missing, and more than likely are on there way to San Francisco.

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   WWlll is coming. Get your temple in order. And stop believing the media. All media is responsible for the way you think.

   Everyone needs to understand that the whole world is being played.

   White Castle is down to their last pound of ground beef. That ought to be good for another million burgers.