Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bet if a gunman opened fire while Obama was onstage yesterday....he would use them as human shields!! Kinda like he is doing now!!

   You know it's getting warmer out when the sales for women's razors goes up 200%.

   Just admit when you're wrong, people will respect you so much more for it

   Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.

   If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located

   Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?

   Any time I listen to Charles Barkley commentate, I struggle to determine if he is talking about a basketball game or the lunch crowd at Burger King.

   This just in..... 2 white males in shootout in Atlanta

   I have been thoroughly researching the native Potatoes of Couch and have become part of their tribe.

   Kevin Ware will be signing autographs at ihop tomorrow.

   On Twitter, I keep seeing the hashtag #nowthatchersdead. Just to clarify, Cher isn't dead....

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   MLM's…aka "PYRAMID SCHEMES" is just like the LOTTERY. It gives MILLIONS of people hopes & dreams but in reality they just end up losing money while ONLY A FEW hit the jackpot.

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

   Did jay-z call beyonce feyonce after he proposed?

   party at my house bring booze then leave.

   MLM’s such as "Nerium Internationa"l are the modern day equivalent of snake oil peddlers

   so they wait till next year has officially begun

   I'm fully clothed and still look hotter than all these h0es dressed like it's 95 degrees

   Thinking that a woman will never cut your heart out and slice it into cute little pieces for her next lover is so cute and naive.