Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As long as it comes with great packaging, there's nothing wrong with inner beauty.

   Companies and money-hungry capitalists are ruining Facebook with their advertising and snooping.

   Dear Syria, Hope you are regretting not to be in limelight thesedays-N.Korea

   Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

   Chemists do it on the table...periodically.

   My girlfriend says she plans to have sex tonight. I sure hope I'm invited.

   You say you don't need to drink to have fun. All I'm hearing is designated driver.

   Our kids are losing their imagination....hopefully soon they will have an app for that!!

   I can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell a lot about themselves.

   I'm planning a romantic evening...I'm taking my liver to Happy Hour tonight.

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*

   3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

   Apart from paying bills and feeling tired all the time, adulthood is not that great.

   Due to recent developments in the love market, my emotional trust funds are temporarily frozen.

   If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

   Your opinion of me is not as important as my opinion of me.

   The first rule of Culture Club is, 1) Do you really want to hurt me?

   My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.

   If you're one of those people that talk about your "haters," odds are I hate you too..

   Apparently evolution decided tails were useless, but nipples on men made sense.