Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.

   I hated Obama back when it wasn't cool to hate Obama.

   You'd think dogs would be at least a little embarrassed with their buttholes just hanging out like that. But no!!!!

   My girlfriend wanted a serious relationship. Now we don't smile at each other.

   Sometimes, distance is the only attractive thing.

   On your mark. Get set. Go get lost.

   There are 3 types of women: Those you cant live without, those you can’t live with and those you live with.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To escape North Korea's long range missiles.

   With great power comes great difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

   Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?

   Trusting people these days should totally be the new adventure sport.

   A recent survey showed that more than 73% of all recent survey statistics are made up.

   The best way to ruin my day is by asking me, "How's life treating you?" or "What's new?".

   Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   If you love someone set them free. If they comeback, probably it was a Fast & The Furious Movie.

   One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.