Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye

   I just launched a new fragrance ! - a great way to announce a fart

   New diet idea. Have someone break your heart.....don't eat for 3 months

   I wonder if Chinese people put smileys like this ¦)

   if crackheads smoked meth, they'd be methheads... duh.

   Shout out to pizza for giving me shin splints... Indirectly, but still.

   Good News! We just got our taxes done and we'll be getting a refund! It should be just enough to pay for getting our taxes done! ツ

   For all those gals that say, "All guys are the same": who told you to try them all..

   Pollen count is so bad this year....the crackheads are trying to convert their meth back to sudafed

   If I ain't invited to dinner I could care less about what you made!

   people who text hey and then say nothing after you respond are seriously demented

   it's better to lose a lover than to love a loser

   I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

   Stop talking.... Listen.... Maybe you're the problem.

   Telling a woman to calm down while she is drunk works about as well as baptizing a cat.

   I just ran butt ass naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"

   just woke up, stepped outside took a deep breath, smiled, and waved at all the neighbors...then realized I'm ONLY wearing my pink slippers!

   I think one of the greatest regrets I'm going to have later on in life is that I've never participated in a Harlem Shake video...

   Maintain your vehicle before your check engine light turns into a silhouette of a hand giving you the finger.

   Thanks outlook, but I dont need you to tell me that I have a very clean inbox!