Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's time for "Team America 2" to be released featuring Kim Jong Un...

   Do you like dragons? Because I'll be dragon my balls across your face.

   My wife has always wanted me to learn to dance. I think I'll learn twerking...

   I gotta go to work and I can't find my hand basket!

   When a Chick inboxes me, I take 3 weeks to respond to it. That'll fu*k her Ego up!

   I drop most of my money on wine, women and song. What's left gets spent foolishly.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   Farting is an excellent example of faith. You are not 100% certain that something extra won't come out but still you push!

   When people don't know what's going on in your life they SPECULATE....When they think they know...they FABRICATE...AND when they do know.......they just HATE

   David Cameron has said that Britain is prepared 4 nuclear attacks from North Korea. David we weren't even prepared for snow in the winter

   "Sing my music, Say my name" F A N D A N G O

   im going to steal my Brothers mushrooms and eat them so I can grow bigger like Mario!

   Are you related to Yoda? 'Cause Yodalicious!

   I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman.

   Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn

   I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.

   Seriously. Don't you just love it when someone hits you up on facebook chat and your WiFi goes out?

   I have a great name for a dating site which pretty much sums the whole thing up in a nutshell...Desperate Losers.

   If we took all of the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be a poor family with dysentery watching their oxen die.

   Anyone got a hand basket? I gotta go somewhere.