Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes You have to realize that ......( some people can stay in your HEART without being in your LIFE ) ......

   Wait now. It's OK to show g a why couples kissing but not a beautiful woman. That's BS!

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .

   I can't believe you brought to this restaurant that doesn't have any liquor. What am I suppose to eat!?

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   The guy at the carwash just handed me a coupon for a "Free Wax Job"... Things sure backfired after I told him I'd like a Brazilian.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   Kim Jong Un should fire whoever came up with this years North Korea tourism advertising idea.

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   ProTip: Get hoarders addicted to crack,,, they'll sell off all their crap.......... Boom, problem solved.

   In Criminal Court, You See Bad People at Their Best; In Family Court, You See Good People at Their Worst

   I just read that the thoughts in our heads that we tell ourselves are actually things we were told as a young child that we have taken as truth... Dear grandkid… you are smart & amazing & you are going to buy yr Gramma chocolate everyday when she gets o

   This North Korea situation is turning into the slowest Bond movie ever.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking.

   "All guys are the same!" Well you should know, You tried them all!!

   Hey ladies complaining about not getting asked out: Don't be so stuck up. Put your number on the men's room wall like the rest of us.