Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't Lie To The Love Of Your Life ..... For The Hoe Of The Night !!!

   PRO PARENTING TIP: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest... .2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's ten... 3. When he asks you about the picture, stare silently into the ceiling for 10 min. then make chirping noise

   Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.

   5 symptoms of laziness --> 1.

   why do companies match others prices? If you can't save me money I'll just shop where I'm at!!

   Married Men are always wrong, period. Or no period. ;)

   Men it’s simple. Work all day, fix things in the evenings, paint the house, wash the cars and dogs on the weekend and give us 100% of your attention…

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   You don't have to be smart, good looking or wealthy to make someone happy.

   Hey North Korea... It's no coincidence one of our atomic bombs was once named "Little Boy"

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent.

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.

   Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."

   Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   My dad gave me some advice a few years ago. He said, "Allan, if you ever get into a fight in the bar, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock." Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk.

   A police officer stopped me last night whilst I was driving home from the bar. "Do you know why I was following you?" he asked. "Because my Facebook Stastus are funny?" I replied, absolutely hammered.

   Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.