Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night in there.

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I cross my legs when I sit on the toilet, for I am a classy gentleman.

   A moment of silence for all the brave coffee beans that gave their lives, so millions of people can get through another day.

   Dear coworkers, please understand that my headphones on are the international sign for "leave me the hell alone."

   Women spend too much money on stuff to look pretty...save your cash, buy him beer.

   Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.

   I bet our entire universe is just in a tiny glass jar placed neatly on a shelf in an alien child's room as a science project he got a C- on

   *Texts girlfriend* Wats up baby!!! ;) *Doesn't reply for 5 hours* BI&CH YOU BETTER BE WRITING ME A FUC&ING BOOK!

   I don't care what you say, fat girls are beautiful too.....at a distance.....of 300 or more feet.

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.

   Men who don’t understand women fall into two categories: Bachelors and Husbands.

   If you don't use your partner as a hand and foot warmer, you're not in a real relationship

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you" -women

   "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance" -Alcohol

   Bi&ches take pictures with bra and panties and post it for a million strangers to see. Then say they wifey material, no bi&ch you strip club material..

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors...

   I nicknamed my Grandma Nicki Minaj because she says the same things over and over again and she scares me.

   You can trust fat people. We don't do crimes it's too much work. We just want to eat and watch the food network.