Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Toilet: For the sh*t that comes out of your a$$ facebook/Twitter: For the sh*t that comes out of your brain

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   I would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents.

   The only difference between sanity and insanity is someone else's opinion.

   When Kanye and Kim finally break up - does that automatically put her back on the Black market? Asking for Lil Wayne.

   The nice thing about dating a girl who has 3 dogs, 3 cats and a horse, is that she is already accustomed to the smells and animal-like behavior.

   I tried................... But I can't watch even 5 minutes of "Meet The Depressed" or "This Bleak with George Stephanopoulos".....

   Im too lazy too be fake. Being real takes alot less effort, I dont have to do anything besides be myself.

   Keep the dream alive.....Hit the snooze button 6 times

   You can stay, but your morals have to go!

   We should have known we were doomed as a race when people started buying ready-grated cheese.

   Of course I have real friends. They're named beer, whiskey, and vodka.

   I just rolled my eyes so far back into my head that I saw where I went wrong.

   If you are a por n addict, it’s not advisable to go to church, coz when the women kneel you anticipate something else.

   The weather was terrible today. One person stole my thunder, and somebody else rained on my parade.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   Significant others are like linoleum floors... Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

   It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.

   Hey. You in the camouflage outfit. I can see you.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.