Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say weed smokers are lazy. Well guess what as*holes, the blunt doesn't pass it self. And it sure isn't rolling it self.

   If I catch my Daughter making a Twerk video with her Leapfrog video camera, imma Beat my DNA out of her!

   f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.

   B&tch, why the fu&k you coming over if you on your period? Save your gas!

   Friday Night Pick Up Line: Either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it is your choice.

   if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   you're saying, "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future." Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   Just because you're perfectionist doesn't mean you're perfect; you might be hopelessly unhappy with yourself.

   Boat on land. Worst escape vehicle ever.

   The award for the best conspiracy goes to........The Boston Marathon Bombing

   JAB, Let this be a lesson to idiots every where, you won't get away with it. . .

   I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

   This is the best episode of "24" since season 3

   I wonder if the only thing open in Boston right now is Dunking' Donuts

   Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.

   I just accidentally made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips in the urinal next to me ... I think I need to kill him now.

   This show on CNN is just a remake of "The Fugitive" without Harrison Ford.

   BBM is just a support group for people who can't afford an iPhone.