Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Husband... "Whew, I'm glad that's over." Wife... "NOW CAN WE GET RID OF THAT BOAT!"

   Can't someone put these Kartrashians on a leash and chain them to a pole?

   My money is on Adam Sandler playing the pissed uncle.

   Bomb Blast in Boston. Next day.. Earthquake in Pakistan. 1-1

   My money is on Sacha Baron Cohen playing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the biopic.

   Good for Boston...celebrating in the streets like Buckner caught the ball!!!

   There were a lot of people who thought he was going to end up like his brother. I wasn't one of them. Really, what are the chances he has another brother who runs over him in a car.

   Fact: Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   Whoever said “he’s only a dog” obviously never owned a dog.

   I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!

   The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

   6 am: tired 9 am: tired 11 am: tired 3 pm: tired 5 pm: tired 7 pm: tired 9 pm: tired bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY

   When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

   Who invented hugs? I mean..the first hug would have been soo awkward. its like"what are you doin, why are you holding me???" "shhh just trust me"

   I see Girls trying to break up with their boyfriends now cause the weather changing

   By "lol" I mean I don't give a fu&k.

   I just burned 600 Calories working out to these Insanity Commercials.. I don't even need to buy the DVD's.

   It's Friday for me and Monday for my liver.

   The only question about gay marriage is how they get along with pain and E.coli.

   Every weekend I participate in a liquid cleanse diet... with beer.