Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side

   I would love nothing more than to see the Heat to lose in the first round.

   Some people think I'm quiet, others wish I was.

   LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.

   knows he is a man now because he just found a hair down there.

   It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success.

   Luis Suarez - if you cant beat them bite them!

   My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don't know if I'm kidding or not.

   The problem with the world today is that way too many people are living their lives in theory in the virtual world.

   Open your mind before your mouth.

   someone needs to engineer some jokes

   4/21...Happy Surprise Random Drug Test Day.

   Todd Harrell, The bassist for rock band 3 Doors Down has been charged with vehicular homicide by intoxication after he was involved in a crash that killed another driver. Sources say he will be starting a new band called, 3 Cells Down.

   In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   If you are getting it for free, you have no right to complain about the quality.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   My neighbours are listening to some awesome music today.... I hope they don't tell me to turn it down!!

   I don't always listen to progressive rock. But when I do, so do the neighbors!