Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why g@y guys won't sleep with women. I mean they have butt-holes too.

   Ugh my girlfriend is taking forever to exist!

   Pollen: Natures way of blowing a load all over everything. Happy Spring!

   Its easier to prove that god does not exist than it is to prove that he does exist.

   If there's no bacon, it's not breakfast.

   Okay, Earth Day is over, we can start f**king up the planet again........

   I'm already an idiot, I just need a village

   I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

   I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

   I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.

   Fellas; I don't think you realize how much your ability to kiss affects your chance of any future action.

   The difference between a d*ck and a pen*s is a d*ck pops his collar.

   No, I don’t want to see your tattoo. I’m not in the mood to lie about how nice it is.

   "No one will know about your small pen*s if your ex girlfriends are all dead" is the only relationship advice I've given in the past 5 years

   When I say you are pretty, don't thank me thank God.

   That awkw.. moment when you stare at someone in the Asian supermarket trying to figure out what kind of Asian they are. :)

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   If you believe a womans place is in the kitchen you must have just finished having sëx and that þìtçh is making your sammich.

   Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

   Most people spend their time trying to find someone to sleep with, instead of finding someone worth waking up to.