Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   My view on gun control. The criminal is the cheetah and the average U.S. citizen is the antelope. The cheetah will always be there to attack the antelope. Stripping the antelope of its horns will not solve the problem. It makes it defenseless.

   So I order the Country ham omelet. It was disgusting to say the least. I asked where they get it. She goes, "Yemen."

   Women are 60% water, 20% makeup, 10% clothing, 8% shoes, and 1% hairspray. That leaves 1%, yet they demand 100% of men's attention.

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Darwin you idiot,, we actually evolved from babies

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   my buddies and I have an agreement when it comes to women. We agree they're all crazy...

   Karen on Facebook says… "Going to the dentist now. Hate having things put in my mouth!!! :(" That's probably why your husband left, Karen.

   The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."

   Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!

   Why the do vegans have fake meat? "I'm morally opposed to eating meat but I want to pretend I'm eating it."

   There's a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email.

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   God exists because without God, there'd be no devil and I was married to the devil.

   And then God said, "Let the women have feelings. A lot of feelings. Like, all of the feelings."