Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Together,, I can beat schizophrenia

   *walks into Starbucks.*.... "I'll have a large?.."... *alarm sounds, cage drops, baristas sharpen pitchforks*

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   I just pissed so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   I never said I wanted to be around for a long time. I always said I wanted to be here for a good time.

   How do we know who really won the Chinese Civil War?

   I've got tickets to see that new Irish rapper. Jay Zus

   No thank you GPS. I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger's seat who knows everything.

   Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?

   When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

   At the hospital, I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof

   What a lovely winter, we're having this spring!

   hanging out with his friends Mike Rotch and Jenny Talia.

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   12 miles on the treadmill in 68 minutes! ..... tomorrow, I might actually get on it.

   How can you have YOLO Sundays, every Sunday??? some of these club promoters need to get a marketing class!

   JAB, Well, through the laws of averages, I've lived past my expiration date. . .

   I went in to see a psychiatrist. I say, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?

   Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

   Sorry sir...but your wife didn't make it.. ) : Was it*sniff*...lack of prayers on facebook? D : Yes sir...i'm afraid it was... ( ._.)