Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not all guys want multiple girlfriends at the same time... 1 is enough trouble.

   I am woman! Hear me babble until you zone out and then get pissed because you weren't paying attention. Roar.

   I can say everything I will ever need to say to you with one finger.

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel.... (leans in close).. You gonna arrest Jesus?

   After knocking all the mens hats off, Bill was escorted out of the safety meeting screaming "I can dance if I want to"........

   If I ever say, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." I'm talking about eating healthy food or doing exercise and sh*t.

   Child protective services? Who's protecting the parents Huh? WHO'S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

   This wine tastes like I don't really want a job.

   I wanna be the reason you lose sleep at night, call in "sick" to work the next day, and then question your morals for the rest of your life.

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.

   Find someone you can trust with your weird.

   How come when Disney characters kiss a beautiful sleeping woman it's considered "heroic", but when I do it, it's just "rapey"?

   WIFE: You only hear what you want to hear! ME: Sure, I wouldn't mind a blow job as a matter of fact.

   "Sure, why not" - Nicolas Cage being offered any role for any movie

   All Hitachi appliances and products vibrate.

   What's that thing on your face? Why are you showing me your teeth- OH! You're smiling!

   Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my house .

   I hope Manti's girlfriend likes San Diego.

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   This coconut water tastes like I'm a stuck-up snob who enjoys wasting money on health scams... Acai smoothies, anyone?