Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a USB drive on my keys so that if I'm ever dying in public I can hand it to a stranger and shout "Get this to the President before.."

   g ay athletes are nothing new. Why do you think they call the LPGA "dykes with spikes"??

   Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.

   News media should report more about professional NBA/NFL cheerleaders that comes out and says their lesbian or gay.....

   I guess taking it to the hole has a whole new meaning in the NBA nowadays.

   I'm actually really nice, until you annoy me.

   Steven Tyler is aging pretty gracefully for a clay-mation skeleton, who fell into a pile of feathers.

   When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?

   Alcohol runs your personality through an amplifier but puts a silencer on your common sense.

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   If you park in the 'C' section of the hospital parking lot...do you have to climb out of the sunroof?

   Women wake up yawning while men wake up with an erection. Coincidence?? I think NOT

   Congratulations Michael Jordan on your new marriage.....Now she owns you.

   If you are the older twin, call your little sibling 50 times a day and say “when I was your age” then describe what you did 6 minutes ago

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I don't call it "laziness." I call it "selective participation."

   Jason Collins is the best ball handler in the NBA...

   Jason Collins said coming out of the closet would been a lot easier if his closet wasn't so FABULOUS!

   Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

   You know you're gay when you bend over and see four balls.