Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   Willie Nelson is 80! If weed is a gateway drug, it better hurry.

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   Feeling sad? Just picture Cee Lo Green climbing a rope.

   The way US governments is running, I wonder how many taxes and permits would he have to get, If Noah was called up to build a boat in the 2013,.....

   Okay KFC we get it , You have a boneless chicken product , ABOUT time , since EVERY other fast food restaurant has had them since the dawn of time ! Please stop the "I ate the bones" campaign....Thanks

   It's amazing how students become so serious and focused during final exams week

   I broke up with my GF when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!?!

   I didn't mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.

   Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   My gynocologist needs more windows in this van.

   I hate it when me and my subconscious is having a heated debate...and just when I come up with good comebacks, it thinks up a even better one! I thought about drinking on Friday, subconscious said "how about now!".... good one!

   Looks like lil wayne had another seizure.....Maybe she shouldnt be hating on the Miami Heat. Cuz that's when it all started...

   Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.

   RIP Chris Kelly - trust you have gone to the big trampoline in Heaven to Jump, Jump