Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   I'm really a fat person trapped in a fatter person body.

   What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.

   I never judge people by the way they look. Which, in your case, must be a relief.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   Been watching two black guys shake hands for the past 37 minutes.

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   Some day I will climb into the back of a taxi in the pouring rain and the driver will say "Where to buddy?" and I will say "Just drive."

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   So the Westboro Baptist Church say they are going to picket Jeff Hanneman's funeral. 150 morons against 5000 Slayer fans...... Can't wait to see that one!

   Stupid teen mom...There were easier ways of birth control besides The Backdoor. But at least your learned.

   sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk'd...

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   was wondering if anybody wants to come over and practice the lift from Dirty Dancing because my cat is soooooo not having it right now. Needless to say she did not "have the time of her life" and she owes it all to me.

   Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X She's never coming back and don't ask Y

   this bar sucks so much I just played every Nickelback song I could find on the jukebox and walked out......take that as$ clowns!

   Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   If you are speaking sign language but you have parkinsons, is that considered stuttering?

   I hope that the three brothers who kidnapped and held those girls for so long suffer immensely for the rest of their lives in prison.

   Hey guys who hold on to their women as if they are to fly away if you let go....im judging you....