Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.

   Everyone is a professional runner when I'm chasing them on the sidewalk with my car.

   My ex-girlfriend gave me the sweetest birthday card, sure it was a restraining order but it's the thought that counts.

   Karma= the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism= the ability to sit back,enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   "When I'm done sh*tting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through the window" - Birds

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   Easiest job in the world, janitor for a country music bar. Genuine out-house smell intact? Yes. Do nothing.

   Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Facebook.

   78,000 applied for a one way trip to Mars? I wonder what part of "one way trip" did they not understand...?

   Oh Yeah??,,, Nothing useful in Skymall, eh??.. Okay, (affixes mini umbrellas to shoes)... Enjoy your wet feet

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Half way to my mom's place for Mother's Day,,, only have about 3 more feet of digging.

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Thanks to Maury I've only had to buy one Mother's Day gift for several years.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

   my life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance & its just me laughing at my own jokes.