Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don't want to hang out with you now... but I'm still very proud...

   If you have never said "Luke, I am your father" into an empty pringles can, then you probably should get on that

   Call Kenny Loggins because we are in the Danger Zone!!!

   meanwhile in Justin Biebers anal cavity. ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　　　~•　　　　~†¢ã€€ã€€ã€€~•　　　　　　~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ã

   I'm done looking for a woman, ladies quit sending me your numbers please and thank you.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   Started from the bottom now I'm even lower!!

   If your coffee order has more instructions than an ikea bunk bed then you're probably an a$$hole.

   Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.

   I will never understand why women are okay with being called pumpkin.

   Devil: Let’s pee in a bottle. Demon: Then what? Devil: We sell it to humans. Demon: But what will we call it? Devil: Oh I know, Whiskey.

   How about more Bieber jokes being posted?-said no one ever

   I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.

   Fat people need to accept that being fat isn’t a crime. It’s not a disease. And being called fat isn’t an insult.

   It’s a good thing cows can’t talk. Imagine them telling you at every available opportunity that they are vegans.

   My friend from Nakuru just called me & told me he's in hospital. Apparently he fell off a Yamaha. Why they ride keyboards there is beyond me.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.