Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.

   I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   no matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*

   Hopefully because of social networking, I've tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Commercial idea : shaq in front of a mirror singing "love shaq, baby love shaq" into a hairbrush

   Thanks to Facebook, everything that used to take a few seconds at work now takes me 4.5 days.

   How come everything with mexican origins is devastating....el nino...derecho winds.....taco bell.

   I just liked "like if you hate cancer" so I'm pretty sure it'll be cured by tomorrow.

   Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.