Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!

   Did you know that if you put your ear up to a strangers leg you can hear them say, "WTF are you doing?"

   I love rude waiters/waitresses...I don't have to be GUILTY for not tipping them. I only had money for the food anyway

   Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you.

   My wife calls me The Margarita because after a long day, I can hit the spot!

   Apparently, only God can whack Tony Soprano.

   I'm on day 4 of no carbs and I see the difference already. 4 days ago I was fat & happy but now I'm fat and I wish I was dead

   Rip: Slim Whitman

   I wish karma would send me email notifications.

   Thanks to Hollywood any Italian person dying will always first be suspicious.

   I'd play Monopoly but I am afraid of the commitment...

   Now that's he's fired, in about six months I can say to that Men's Wearhouse guy: "You're NOT going to like the way you look. I guarantee it."

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   If you were cyberbullied by me or my gang on the wii tennis forums,,,, I apologize. I have grown a lot since then.

   I want to do a post about a pirate dating site called e-Yarrrmony,,, but the process is too arrrduous

   If marriage doesn't involve daily sex and the occasional fort building then I want no part of it.

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   I'm a pretty good person when you never get to know me.

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   "I hate Tacos!" Said no Juan ever