Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   COCAINE IS NATURE'S CAPS LOCK

   This is a pretty shítty flash mob. It's in my living room, only my family showed up, and they're just telling me to stop drinking.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   If a bear attacks you, play dead........ Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever

   Dear naps, I'm sorry I was a jerk to you in kindergarten

   how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat ?

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   Men have Sports Center, women have Steel Magnolias.... this is why we should just have sex and not try the "talking" thing.

   I celebrate payday by pouring Gatorade on my bank teller.

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

   uncross you legs...you're bending my glasses

   The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.

   The problem with the general public is that it's made of people.

   If your phone didn't get a text, it was me

   The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

   Can't decide if I should start drinking now, or wait until one of you pisses me off. Now it is.

   I wish people would stop phoning while I'm ironing. I keep burning my face.

   In the animal kingdom, males often have to fight for the right to mate. It's a case of 'brawls before hoes'.

   Dating Tip: If she hasn't kissed you by the third date, she's there for the food.

   Ladies; Stop wearing weaves, lice deserve to live in their natural habitat!