Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so another day has come and gone and I still haven't used algebra

   My dog has mastered two tricks now. It might not sound impressive, but most dogs can't even ride a BMX.

   Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I've had it a long time."

   Thanks to the economy my wallet is emptier than a potato chip bag at a Weight Watchers meeting!

   ATTENTION ALL WHO WORK WITH THE PUBLIC--everyone is stuck in stupid mode today, a smack to the back of the head should trigger the reset button!

   The next time somebody jumps you, make sure they are just whooping your ass and not trying to kill you before you take any self-defense action.

   Rachel Jeantel is the new Kato Kaelin.

   Why is it always the ugly people who have to post pics of themselves every other day? You might love the camera but it’s obvious the camera does not love you back. So put the camera down and stop scaring little children with your pics.

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   When someone says I look familiar, I say "You've probably seen me in porn."

   So... you think you're so cool because you've made it into triple digits in candy crush huh? Yeah let that sink in.

   When it is this hot out, I like to walk around in my underwear in the air conditioning. I don't know why 7-11 has a problem with this..

   "Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Did you ever notice that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML?

   In other news, millions of Facebook users suddenly get their law degrees.

   Does anyone know how many vacation and sick days Facebook offers if you consistently logged in everyday for the past 7 years?

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Thanks for accepting my, "Friends? We don't even qualify as acquaintances." request.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.