Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wife turned down an offer to bury her husband in the Holy Land for $75. When asked why she paid $17,000 to buried him in the US, she said, "she heard a story of a Man who was ressurected back in the day!"

   Did you ever think just maybe...just maybe... that the shark attacked you cuz you in his kitchen? Its not like he comes inside your house and swims in your kitchen,... and if that ever happened its called "Tuna Surprise Dinner!"

   You know you've just had a Killer leg workout when you finish your session && afterwards you're walking like baby Bambi.

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   Have you seen the clown that hides from g@y people in Wal-mart?

   I'm more of an Atrophy husband.

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   A-Roid sure is ballsy for a guy without balls...

   A-Fraud! Suspended

   Instead of the government giving out free birth control, they should issue every woman a Nancy Pelosi mask. That would work better and cost less.

   Short guys are like the fat chicks of men.

   The bad thing about all dogs going to heaven would be all the dog sh*t everywhere.

   Friday are we there yet?

   I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.

   Perfection is for liars and fakes.

   Nickelback to play Boston bombing victim's Concert. In related news, Train to play relief concert for those who saw Nickelback.... (etc.. Bieber)

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? A: The Rooster...