Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if sharks have people week.

   He said: Am I the first man to sleep in your bed? She said: Well... if you actually fall asleep then yes.

   Facebook event invites are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet

   You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

   I’ve been to hell and back so many times I bought some property while I was there.

   I listen to smooth jazz from time to time, but it depends on which elevator I’m in.

   You can't be wise and in love at the same time.

   There's no WE in pizza. Only i.

   Wonder if A-Rod's new sponsor is going to be a syringe company...

   I am tried of 7 day weeks and having to wait for the weekend. I think the week should be as followed. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Get rid of Wednesday and Thursdays. . .

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   So... Where does one obtain minions?

   Its raining today, I guess my neighbors can't go to work today........They are mexican

   My voicemail greeting is now a Justin Bieber song. if you can make it to the end of the song without hanging up then I’ll listen to the message, because obviously it’s important!

   Wished Justin Bieber would do a tour in the Middle East, Afghanistan to be specific..

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked all the time.

   Shark Week is so much better that Shart Week!

   Never trust someone that smiles on Monday morning.

   I'd rather watch highlights from a WNBA game than listen to ESPN talk about Johnny Manziel and A-Rod again.